


but i crumble completely when you cry

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ALL THE GOOD STUFF, Angst, Cigarettes, Daddy Issues, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Metaphors, Relapsing, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, dont read this, vent fic, wowie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28588317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye."
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Kudos: 25
Collections: Anonymous





	but i crumble completely when you cry

**Author's Note:**

> 505 by arctic monkeys

Jaemin places a cigarette between his parted lips as he shuffles his hands in his pockets for his lighter. He eventually finds it after shuffling here and there, sighing in relief when he takes it out of his pocket.

The sky is dark. It’s grey, hues of blue raining down on the town and covering his skin like a prayer. It’s cold, too, thin air clogging Jaemin’s dirty lungs with unspoken lies and truths.

He’s relapsing again. He knows it’s a bad way to cope, but he can’t help it, not after the many years he’s turned to cigarettes and lighters after even just one bad thing happens. It’s either dirtying up your lungs, drawing on your skin or starving and Jaemin would rather pick the first choice because he has nowhere else on his skin to draw on. Besides, the cigs will distract him from the hunger, so why even bother trying the other two choices?

Jaemin’s got no idea how much longer he’s gonna keep this up – The repeated cycle of walking again, being happy, letting everything crash down, relapsing and waking up to a terrible life. _Gosh_. He wishes he had better alternatives, but there’s nothing better than destroying yourself as a form of punishment.

Jaemin gets it.

He looks up at the sky as he exhales, specs of smoke barely visible through the cold breeze. He wonders what Jeno’s thinking of him now – Probably worried sick and trying to contact him again, or crying his eyes out because Jaemin left _again_ and Jeno’s probably blaming himself for it.

Whatever Jeno’s doing though, he’s definitely lying on the couch, his hands between his thighs as a way to comfort himself, because Jaemin’s not there right now to do it himself.

(Albeit Jaemin was never a good comforter, he still tried his best. Always the people pleaser.)

He doesn’t know how long he stays out there, smoking and sulking in the cold air, wishing he could just stop with his bullshit. Jeno’s told him before, it’s not his fault– That he’s this way, that he didn’t ask for it and that he didn’t cause it. And _yet–_ Jaemin somehow never believes him, because it _is_ his fault, it _is_ his problem that he can’t fucking control himself. It’s all his fault; Jeno’s just saying nice things to make him feel better.

When did he become such a sad man? Jaemin supposes it started in middle school. When he decided he was going to starve himself to become pretty. Now, it’s not even about being thin or beautiful. It’s about discipline. He’s doing this because he deserves it.

Maybe it’s because of all of the empty lines he’s drawn on himself. They’ve got no meaning, really. He only draws when he’s angry, only draws when people don’t listen to him and choose to mock and belittle him instead.

Maybe it’s because of good old daddy and his narcissistic self. It’s no wonder why Jaemin is constantly seeking validation, the one man he looked up to disappointed him and left him in the dirt with his mother.

Jaemin sighs and closes his eyes. He really doesn’t want to think about it, but he can’t help it – Overthinking has always been his thing.

He abruptly gets interrupted by the feeling of a hand touching his cheek, palm warm and calloused – And Jaemin immediately knows who it is.

“What is it,” He mutters and _gosh_ , he doesn’t even sound like himself anymore. His voice is croaky, rough and deep with agony. He doesn’t expect an answer so soon.

“You’re smoking again,” Jeno says, voice soft with underlying tones of pain that Jaemin knows Jeno is trying so hard to hold back. Jeno clears his throat. “The– You– Cigarette,”

Jaemin chuckles dryly. “What’d you expect?” He opens an eye and looks at Jeno. “I can’t fucking control myself.”

“But it’s not–” Jeno lets out a pained whimper, closing his eyes before continuing. “It’s not your fault, Jaemin. I know it’s hard to break out of habits,”

Jaemin sighs and leans into Jeno’s warm hand. He looks at Jeno with an apologetic look before speaking. “I’m sorry.”

Jeno shakes his head. “Don’t be. You didn’t ask for this.”

“Oh, but I did, didn’t I?” Jaemin mumbles. “I asked to be pretty, I asked to get fucked up, I asked for death. And it’s here now. So didn’t I or did I?”

Jeno looks at Jaemin with tearful eyes. “Jaemin–”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Jaemin snaps. “I can’t. No matter how much I try I’ll always be this way, Jeno, just admit it.”

Jeno doesn’t speak. He sighs and wraps an arm around Jaemin’s neck. “Just go home, Jaemin. We can talk about this in the morning. Right now you need to sleep.”

“Fuck that shit,” Jaemin groans. “I just want to die.”

“Jaemin,” Jeno warns. “I’ll let you leave me in the morning. I swear. Last time and I’ll let you go,” He’s practically begging at this rate, and Jaemin doesn’t know if he finds that flattering or not. “Please, Jaemin,” He whimpers.

Jaemin looks over to Jeno and watches as the older struggles to keep his breaths back, on the verge of hyperventilating and having a panic attack. Because of him. Because Jaemin caused this. Why does he have to ruin everything?

“I’m so sorry,” Jaemin smiles brokenly at Jeno. “I’m sorry I always ruin your mood.”

“I don’t care!” Jeno shakes his head. “I don’t give a shit if you ruin my mood or not, Jaemin please, come home.”

Jaemin sighs. He knows he’s already given in, and he’s probably not gonna end up leaving Jeno, but. He’s not worried about that right now. Jeno’s his weakness, he already knows there’s no other choice.

“Fine,” He whispers.

Jeno lets out a strangled sob before intertwining their fingers. He leads them back to the apartment Jaemin had barely left an hour ago, not even that far away from where he was smoking, and as soon as they’re walking the cigarette falls from Jaemin’s hand and down to the wet pavement, ashing away in orange and yellow.

He zones out the entire walk. He tries not to pay attention to the way Jeno is whimpering like he’s been killed, tries not to pay attention to the way their fingers tremble together with every step.

He ignores all of that. Instead he thinks about how much of a fucking disappointment he is, how he always ruins everything and everyone just because of his own problems. No wonder daddy didn’t like him, he’s a pussy, a wuss who basks in his own sorrow because he’s got nothing better to do.

He relapsed. Again. Because he can’t control himself. Because he can’t learn from his damn mistakes.

Jaemin doesn’t think other people realize that their pain that they get from him causes him to feel worse. It’s a triangle, a never ending cycle of hurting others and getting hurt because you caused their pain. He hates it.

By the time they reach Jeno’s place, the elder is trembling and crying, unlocking the door with shaky hands and pulling Jaemin inside with him, collapsing on the floor once they’re both inside.

Jaemin doesn’t do anything – He just stands there, motionless, watching as his lover curls his knees up to his chest and sobs in them. He thinks its funny, how he’s the one going through the actual thing and yet he’s not the one sobbing over it, Jeno is; That’s fucked up.

So he decides to actually comfort him this time. He can’t spend his life not comforting Jeno when he needs it the most; He needs to do something about it. Needs to change for once.

He bends down and sits crosslegged next to Jeno, small tears forming in his eyes as he hugs Jeno and pulls him close, buries the elder’s head in his chest and kisses his head.

Jaemin lets the tears fall this time. He cries with Jeno, it’s the only thing he can really do after _so much pain._

 _Tomorrow is another day._ It’ll be fine in the morning – Him and Jeno will talk about it like adults for once. He doesn’t think about it too much though; For now, crying and comforting his lover is the goal here.

Jaemin has a long road ahead of him.


End file.
